Fresh Voices: Composition at Cal Poly


Collin Tateishi uses his friend and musician Shaun Profeta as a profile subject. Beginning with an anecdote, Tateishi attempts to describe Profeta’s lifestyle as a practicing musician. How do active verbs such as “intertwines” and “trekked” create an engaging essay for Tateishi’s readers? Describing Profeta’s family background and musical influences may seem superfluous and distracting to some readers, while others may find such information illuminates Profeta’s personality as a musician. The quotations have been placed carefully, but could they have been integrated more effectively? For instance, in the third paragraph Tateishi quotes Profeta, writing, “‘Music was something that was always around me . . . ,” how could Tateishi more seamlessly integrate this quotation with his own writing?